HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HANNUKAH TO ALL OF YOU, EVERYWHERE!
May you have everyone and everything you need and want with you in this holiday season. I wish you peace and love for all of your days.
And now onto my yays and boos, conveniently packaged in a bulleted list:
- pretty sparkling lights
- Hot Cocoa
- Peppermint mixed with Chocolate in EVERYTHING even candles, YAY!
- holiday tunes (Michael Buble, The Chieftans, Bing Crosby, etc)
- cars wearing antlers and red noses
- people who usually don't smile sometimes actually do! :)
- good food
- making complicated holiday recipes that I find on Epicurious and Food Network dot com
- watching sketchy mall santas make children cry
- The vigor with which two of my gay friends attack the holiday season. If I could ever harness one tenth of their zest for the holidays or their energy, I would probably win an Oscar for something. Not sure what, but an Oscar would be involved.
- Christmas trees. I LOVE CHRISTMAS TREES
- Holiday candles, air fresheners and basically every holiday scent known to man, especially those at Bath and Body Works. Their chocolate peppermint candle is great but their Winter fragrance is the Bombdiggity and I have 4 of them burning in my house when I'm home (hopefully not when I'm not at home)
- bedazzled grannies (cuz ain't they just festive in their colorful sweaters and jingle bells??)
- Christmas specials on TV (Christmas Vacation, I love you!)
- A full day off of work! (which I took off - YAY Boxing Day!)
- making gifts that family members can't return >:)
- zoidberging people in holiday texts (zoidberg is a failed lobster doctor on Futurama.) This is a zoidberg: (\/) (;,,,;) (\/)
|Oh crap. I think I dated this guy back in the day. [stop mocking me. Quit Laughing! HEY!]|
- the neighbor's ridiculous, garish Christmas display complete with a Cowboy-boot wearing, PJ clad (buttflap down, if you were curious) singing-Santa WHICH I WANT TO BLOW UP WITH C4.
- holiday tunes (damn my ears Mariah Carey, country artists I never listen to anyway and failed American Idol contestants who will never be relevant - no, your sad, lame redux of 'baby it's cold outside' will not bring you into even the faintest glow of real celebrity so please go away)
- With special consideration to be given to Josh Groban, a.k.a. The Most Depressing Voice In The World. It's Just So Bad. Really. Ever sit back and listen to a song with your eyes closed and note the images in your head playing along with the music? In every single such instance regarding a Josh Groban song my mind drums up a video not unlike some derivation of Pink Floyd's The Wall except there are shots of people watching their loved ones die melded with armies of cute little puppies flinging themselves off of tall buildings onto sharp, up-ended steak knives swirling together with images of small children setting their parents gleefully aflame.
- people driving cars bedecked with antlers and red noses: they are intent on their mission, focused on their plan and Be Damned red lights, pedestrians or errant cars who DARE to invade their driving lanes!
- Bedazzled Grannies. Perhaps the most insufferable of holiday shoppers, they: clog doorways (can't remember why you wanted to enter this store? Kindly move. MOVE out of the doorway, JUST EFFING MOVE ALREADY!), pull out their checkbook only after the shopgirl has finished ringing up AND wrapping their order, and will pull an item out of your hand with their gnarled, arthritic claws. Seriously, granny? Ring those jingle bells hanging from your ridiculously stretched out earlobes one more time, I will strangle you. Kindly give me back the Last Gray Sweater in Men's Large that I had in my hands NAOW. Will anyone really begrudge me a granny-throttling?
- Eggnog. Eggnog is disgusting. It's gross, it has a horrible texture and tastes bad. Just give me the rum.
- Compulsory office pot-luck. Everyone brings a dish and between patients we get to run in, fill a plate, mechanically wish each other happy holidays and eat either in our offices or over the trash can in the breakroom which is the best vantage point for seeing the check-in desk and whether we have a patient waiting for us (no lunch breaks except on Mondays). It would be one thing if the office were convivial but it is not.
- Pandora's limit on 'thumbs down'-ing songs. I hit my limit (of AI rejects and spent country stars) on my holiday mix and now I have to listen to Harry Connick Jr. sing Ave Maria (which was played at my parent's funeral. Not HC's version. It was actually sung a capella by an operatic tenor, but I digress).
- Anthony Bourdain's Holiday Special. Fuck you and your snotty, elitist friends.
To balance some Sweet with your Sour, here's the cutest damned baby polar bear you ever will see:
Now if you will excuse me, I am scouring the internet for a holiday deal for The Perfect Flask to pack for our Disneyworld Adventure in February! (wonder if 'Disney's Magical Express will stop at a liquor store en route? Meh, I'll just put some flavored vodka in my suitcase. What could possibly go wrong?)
I leave you with Simon's Cat in Santa Claws :)
I leave you with Simon's Cat in Santa Claws :)